Motherhood off-balanced

I’ve been thinking about balance and motherhood a lot lately. Why? The reason is very profound. I was practising yoga the other day and in one of the balancing poses (standing on one leg) I fell. Not just a little wobble, but I fell on my butt big time. I used to have a great sense of balance, so this would not have happened before baby. It really made me think about what happened to me. So here are a couple of thoughts around how motherhood threw me off-balance and then gave me other things instead.

I remember the exact day when I lost my physical sense of balance. Happened relatively late in my second trimester, as I was not popping for a good while. But then from one day to another I lost it. Was kind of a big deal for me, cause at this point I was still teaching yoga. Kudos to my class for not laughing at me when I tried to demonstrate a tree pose (one of the balancing poses) and kept falling out of the posture. 

Emotionally I was off-balance right from day 0. Had a rough start going through a fertility treatment, then was sick and miserable during my first trimester. I think that is where my emotional roller-coaster ride has begun. My second trimester was relatively comfortable. In the third I was struggling with sleep issues a lot that made my ride even more funky. Then no sleep for 2 days before giving birth, roughly 2 hours of sleep per day in the first postpartum week, miscommunications and misunderstandings between me and my partner in the first weeks, baby refused the breast and so on... all contributed to feeling completely unstable.

My mental balance went out of the window at 36 weeks, my water broke and since this was not ‘the plan’, I lost my mental focus and strength. The battle had not even started at this point, but I already felt defeated. The critical and negative voices in my head kept becoming louder from that moment.

So what has happened since I lost my grip on the ground? I’ve been riding this roller-coaster of mine. I hate theme parks and especially roller-coasters, but I am riding this one and I try to enjoy it. By nine months postpartum I am not saying I rock this motherhood thing, but I am getting a bit more confident every day and starting to believe that I can do this, I can be a good mom. 

And instead of balance, I have something else now.

  • An immense amount of strength that I never knew existed within me.

  • Resilience so that I can bounce back quicker from the low-lows.

  • Clarity about my core values.

  • Beginner’s mind about everything, especially to re-learn my new body and the movements I used to do.

  • The knowledge that moms are the most advanced yogis, cause they can do ANYTHING with a child in their arms.

I think these are pretty cool! So from where I am standing now (with two feet on the ground), balance does not seem that necessary anymore. 

Original photo of thumbnail image is from Pixabay